Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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