Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
