If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize