I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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