that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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