so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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