so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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