respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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