First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
