So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
