when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
