It's Friday. Sex?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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