from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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