fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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