Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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