had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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