i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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