only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
