thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She needs sedatives and a leash
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
And then he peed in my hair
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