if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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