Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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