I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
areolas are like halos for boobs.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
