I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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