i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
