i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
