that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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