Moan for me like Helen Keller
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
