I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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