Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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