Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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