and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Rumble strips road head = magical
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize