so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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