never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
