All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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