There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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