i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
