If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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