i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize