I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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