i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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