We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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