cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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