I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
