I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
