Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
