her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
