piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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