wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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