Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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