I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
