some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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