your thong is hanging out like whoa
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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