If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
