fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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