Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
